When I was 20 I dropped everything and put myself in an airplane and I landed in the US. Here it has been my life for 12 years, even though I am still waiting for my green card, also still waiting to have the opportunity to continue to live and dream and accomplish my goals.
I have been living on my own for 8 years and I am not scared of anything since I overcome so much, I passes some phases but what I am still and most afraid is to not have LOVE and COMPASSION.
Without the love and support of my family, I felt empty and alone, more alone than I am. I stricked with the distance.
Relationships for me was always hard, because how I suppose to introduce my partner to my parents, how my partner suppose to meet my family and my background? I am what I am is not much to see from me since I am here alone.
I spend life in a rollercoaster, up and down in torture and joy, a timeline of going back on past and future. Rarely I was living present. Always wondering vs always dreaming.
I begged for my parents to visit me every day, because I wanted them to support my decisions, my dreams, and my new choice of living here.
For 8 years of my life I pay my bills, I lost all, I recovered all, I struggled on my own, friends were on the way to rescue me and some weren’t. I survived I continue to survive like anyone in life fight for achieving goals and making ends meet.
The most important of all is that I am faithful, I never lost my faith in God, I pray most of the day so God can give me stronger shoulders to carry my crosses so whatever happens I can jump of joy feeling light like a feather or I can lift the painful weight and in the end what it matters is to overcome it all. Nothing is forever not pain and no gain.
I love this country and for more painful experiences happened and continue to come surprisily I still love here because I know if I fall down I can get up, but in my country I know my family would lift me up but not the opportunities and chances, so I can be stronger on my own and independent of myself and my abilities. Brazil family is major union, people stay with the parents until get married.
On 12 years away is a lot to go thru… funny to say some people can’t travel for a week they are homesick, some cannot stay with their parents it comes drama, some have families visiting and they cannot stand their presence. I have friends that complain about moving from one city to another, one state to another, that is so hard, but how about when you move to another country with a backpack on your back and have to reborn again in another country, with another language? This is the experience which is not for everyone. Few can survive doing such an adventure.
I was only 20 years old, got married by 24 I was divorced, and my life started on 25 till today. 8 years of my life single, independent and strong in Christ.
I dreamed every day of all years here to see my parents coming over, visiting, so I could show them how much I would love to them see this world, and my new life, introduce to my friends, having dinner at a nice place, spend some quality time that my mother never did since I born. My father did all he could but my mother always was giving excuses such as saying that she is preparing all to come, another days she is using her friends that are visiting that she will come with them, some other days she mentioned that money is been an issue, every call and every discussion was a problem. I respected even though I had my moments.
My father and grandmother tried a visa, but they got denied. My Mom never dare to try! My sister, she is all over the place she never think about it, but now she does more than ever.
My father was everything for me, he was joker, funny, a joy in the room, such supportive, loving father even though he was not perfect his Love for me and my sister was big enough to cover his imperfections. He provided, he fought for us and 4 years ago he died helping someone. Shocking the entire neighborhood, and leaving all loving ones in mourn. When I discovered I was shocked, hurt, more alone, more lost, more empty than ever. It was a knife cutting thru my chest, part of me was gone. Without my Dad isn’t family.
In 2008 I survived from a violence and 3 years faced therapy and recovered from the pain and became stronger, my dream to support women in domestic violence isn’t fulfilled yet but one day it will.
In 2011 I lost my Father in a brutal accident not able to visit him even if I could It wouldn’t be time to see him in the hospital, he died in 10 hrs, exactly would be in a flight time. I still miss him a lot.
In 2012 I finally became legal in this country, I cried of happiness and joy of the path of residence is still hopeful.
In 2014, I got myself heartbroken in pieces I was in a relationship that everyone who knew thought I will get married, he disappeared with no explanation, leaving everyone around shocked. I got super depressed and sad, lost everything all together and took me a year to heal and recovered.
Today I am so happy for achieving so much, and looking back as a survivor. Today, I am much closer to the Lord and feeling his Love for me. I keep knocking everything unpleasant out of my life, but I always loved my family so much, but no more than God. I believe God is the bigger one in my life besides all. I still die to see my mother, and for 12 years I am persisting to her to come visit. I can’t go. Period. Requires more patience -I know one day I will be able to but in the mean time they are the ones who can. It is painful Dad is gone, but sister and mom are just away, and I aknowledge things had changed a lot with a broken family. Despite all the changes, my love is always the same. I learned the value of parents more than ever. I cannot put my dreams in jeopardy. I am still overcoming so much, but I call my broken family twice a week and speaks to everyone – my grandmother tells me the good and bad, my sister the same way. She continue to lie to me and continue to put me as last priority.
Today I heard the truth that hurt so much that I couldn’t continue with my sister on the phone it really hurt me to know that my mother is spending tons of money more than what it takes to visit me to spend 2 weeks in Europe. Yeah, she is spending thousands of dollars and I am not sure even if this is real to me, feels like I am still dreaming.
She never flight, she never traveled, she barely visit her sisters and her family, she barely going in a restaurant – all she does is going to the church and asking her to flight to see me is always a excuse and now she decides to spend 15k in Europe? How she could do that to me?
For 12 years, she is been covering the reality with a lie. What kind of mother don’t miss the child? love their child? I am still her daughter undeniable, but I cannot forgive her unlovable act of love.
It hurts more than my father has left by death, as the old saying “isn’t the dead who hurts us is the live ones” – Because she keep doing all and my poor father is with God trying maybe to bless me with patience.
Decision made: I am going to step away from my mother and this time will be for a long term. I don’t want to hear anything about her, and about anything else. I am super and totally disappointed. I am going to continue to pray for Lord provide me my needs, and that I will continue to survive without parents – Loving away and loving my life, but with the major love : God.